Illustration: «Peter Pantheist», A3, 2019, Moiret Allegiere
(Disclaimer: Despite the fact that obvious sarcastic and snarky satire is obvious, I have to include this disclaimer about the obvious sarcastic snarky satire of this piece since people are prone to misunderstand the purpose of something. More often than not, the misunderstanding is done on purpose. But, ah, well, that is the level we are at. This piece is obvious sarcastic and snarky satire.)
Make sure that you are sitting down or lying down comfortably. Is your room dark, are the lights dimmed? Good. Very good. Let’s begin.
Picture yourself lying on a beach which was, once upon a time, conquered by the western imperialist swine of ages past and as such ruined horribly by colonialism, losing all of its indigenous charm in the process, now being nothing more than yet another mass-manufactured tourist retreat for the well-to-do’s and the well-off’s, who have contributed immensely by the oppression and the violence inherent in the system, which of course does not include you in the slightest.
Above you, the sky is blue and the sun is shining warm and bright. A few clouds drift by, mere strips of vapour, almost transparent, not blocking out the warmth of the sun, just adding to the sensation of tranquillity and relaxation, filling your whole being with the sensation of being – simply being.
A calmness and clarity of mind fills your body and your mind as you realize, slowly, that what you took to be clouds may very well be industrial smoke from the next city over; yet another sign and signal of western colonialism and white cis-het patriarchy destroying the nobility of the land such as it used to be, tearing down the huts and burning the lands of the noble savage who lived in perfect harmony and balance with nature, and would still do so were they not corrupted by western industry and colonialism. Such a horrible thing, such a corruption is this westernised display of hegemonic masculinity, this tragedy that is the patriarchy.
You should take to Twitter to inform someone of this revelation. Go on. Just press pause. I’ll be here, waiting for you.
Back? Good. Now, let’s carry on. Make sure you are lying down or sitting down comfortably. Rest your muscles and release all that tension you are carrying from dismantling the kyriarchy, one self-righteous twitter-post at a time.
You are still lying on the beach in your minds eye. The sky is blue, a deep and marvellous shade of blue, reminding you of dreams and of childhood, of pleasures immediate and of a life simpler and less complicated than that of the current year.
All around you, you can hear birds chirping and a wind rustling the leaves of whichever trees have survived the invading forces of the hegemonic capitalist displays of toxic masculinity. The smell of the ocean surrounds you, the sound of the waves crashing on the beach engulfs you.
Focus your consciousness on the sound of the waves. Slow, rhythmic, beautiful, back and forth, back and forth in full karmic retribution and restoration. So spectacularly well-suited to cleanse all your overstressed chakras; permanently clouded and muddied by fighting the omnipresent kyriarchy. Now – let your breath follow the waves. Let your breath become the waves. Let your breathing and your self become as deep and as rhythmic as the ocean, as the waves.
There you go.
Keep focusing on your breathing, focus all your attention and all your consciousness on your breath.
Try not to think of the waves as a symbol of the rhythmic and primal thrust of male sexuality; the primeval force ever and always thrusting in and out, in and out, back and forth, back and forth in a continuous cycle of heteronormative rape by deception, subjugating women by using their very biology against them and as such turning any woman in a loving heterosexual relationship into a sufferer of Stockholm-syndrome, eternally oppressed, and in being eternally oppressed not being aware of her own oppression because she has grown to love her captor and tormentor as only a brainwashed victim of the patriarchal institution of marriage and the social kyriarchical construct of heterosexuality could be.
Try not to think that she should be liberated from being too stupid to know that she is oppressed, and that it is your duty as a proud feminist to both inform her of this and of liberating her from her prison of silk and satin and negotiable comfort.
Try not to imagine your breath as a penis going in and out of your body, penetrating you over and over. Try not to consider your breathing as a symbolic representation of heteronormative marital rape which all heterosexual intercourse is, whether or not enthusiastic consent is given by the woman at all stages of intercourse.
Try not to picture this guided meditation as yet another sign of toxic masculinity, raping you brutally with every inhalation, with every exhalation.
You can’t, can you? OK then. That’s fine. Just fine. Take a break. Take a breather. Go on – post this revelation to Facebook and Twitter. Maybe you could even write an article or two about the dangers of ego-induced self-hypnotic subconscious rape, and how guided meditation is yet another tool of the patriarchy to subjugate, oppress and subsequently rape women; how it perpetuates a stereotype of women as passive and inactive objects, designed to do nothing but lie there, breathing and breeding. Go on. Just press pause. I’ll wait for you.
Welcome back. Are you sitting or lying down comfortably? Good. Wipe the sweat of your brow now, and relax your muscles and then we shall carry on.
Imagine the sand of the beach, the sensation of it touching and caressing your skin, not too coarse and not too soft in texture, not too hot and not too cold. Perfectly balanced and perfectly aligned with your chakras and your clean-cut karma and your kundalini, waiting to be awakened.
Try not to focus on your breathing. Focus your consciousness instead on all the different sounds you imagine around you – the birds chirping, the wind rustling the leaves, the waves of the ocean stopping and freezing completely so as not to remind you perpetually of ever-lasting self-induced rape.
Focus all your attention on the birds in your minds eye and ear, chirp-chirp-chirping away, so beautiful and so spontaneous, so natural, so incredibly free, not burdened by the weight of fighting the kyriarchichal methodology of the heteronormative patriarchy of white supremacy all day. Feel how your chakras are being cleansed as a massive surge of energy rises from the lower end of your spine, moving ever up and up along your spine as you do kundalini yoga, thinking of nothing but the sounds of calm and tranquil nature surrounding you in your minds eye and ear, hoping with every essence of your very being that you are, in fact, of Indian heritage and as such are not victimising their culture and their people by this horrible display of cultural appropriation which you may or may not be partaking in.
Try not to let your mind wander to the affront upon an entire culture, pillaged and raped by the ruinous forces of colonialism and western hegemonic white patriarchal dogmatic masculine toxicity and industrialization, trapping them all underneath the umbrella of the western industrial complex, ruining their beautiful culture with notions of western chauvinism.
Try not to picture the noble culture of those whom you consider to be noble savages being crushed under the heel of the might of the western industrial complex. Don’t let your mind wander as you realize that you are not of Indian heritage and are guilty of cultural appropriation. Try not to figure a way out of this mess through fantastic mental gymnastics, instead, let your focus again be fixed on the tranquillity of the nature in your minds eye and ear, of the slow and steady breeze that caresses your body and your mind simultaneously.
Do not breathe in.
Do not breathe out.
Do not breathe in.
Do not breathe out.
There you go. There you go. Feel how your muscles relax. Almost as though you are melting into the bed or the chair you are lying or sitting in, as if your body becomes a gelatinous mess, a blob of nothing-at-all. Try not to interpret this as some kind of fat-shaming or other.
You can’t, can you?
Have you figured out a way around your own cultural appropriation yet?
Take to Twitter to inform your followers about it, about how you read a book written by a Guru once upon a time when you were a small child, which so influenced your life that you have been identifying as trans-vedic ever since, and how horribly oppressed and persecuted all you trans-vedic folk have been ever since the beginning of recorded history and that really – really – were it not for the white supremacist underpinnings of the patriarchy, everyone all around the world would be born a true vedic, not a trans-vedic and as such your own cultural appropriation is nothing but yet another tool of the patriarchy and the fault of all men everywhere for doing exactly what all men everywhere – at least in the western world – have always done; keeping women from discovering their own vedic nature by forcing them to submit to the kyryarchical institution of marriage instead of allowing them to awaken all their kundalinis and all their chakras and realising their topsy-turvy buddha-nature at the same time, bringing forth the beautiful, loving and peaceful matriarchy which would stabilize the entire world and make us all hold hands, eat cake and sing “My Rainbow Race” in perfect harmony.
Settled back in then?
Now, cleanse your sinuses and clear your mind of all thoughts and try not to remember that the swastika is a recurring symbol of Hindu religion. Try not to get angry at the fact that a literal swastika is literally placed above doorways and entrances literally all around the Hindu-world. Try not to remember that your own yoga-centre more likely than not are literal Nazis for having this abhorrent symbol of bigoted white supremacism and westernised male chauvinism waving hatefully and bigoted literally everywhere as the full frontal assault-like conspiracy of Nazism literally everywhere hits you full in the brainstem.
Do not breathe in.
Do not breathe out.
Do not breathe in.
Do not breathe out.
Keep doing that; keep holding your breath in quiet indignation as you acknowledge the fact that Nazism have infiltrated everything you see around you, everything you claim to care about; that all your trembling anarcho-communist trans-vedic feminist vegan yogic Hindu non-binary pansexual double-specied intersex two-spirit liberal progressive atheist friends are, literally, Nazis.
Try not to remember the swastika you saw in the photo taken of the Guru whose book you may or may not have read as a small child who so altered the trajectory of your life and made you a trans-vedic child of the universal harmony.
Try not to think about the picture of this gentle brown-skinned man with the twinkle in his eyes and the permanent, almost rascally, smile beneath the swastika. Try not to picture him as a white supremacist neo-nazi scumbag, which, by definition, through guilt by association, would make you and all your friends literal nazis and white supremacists.
Try not to understand that some symbols are ancient, that some symbols have more meanings and more uses than one, have been used by other cultures at other times in other places.
Now, count backwards from ten.
Bring yourself out from the meditation, gently now, gently. And then, take to Twitter to inform all your followers that it is not always OK to punch a Nazi. Bring your mental gymnastics into the fray to explain how your brand of Nazism is OK.
That maybe, you should all look into yourself and embrace your inner Nazi since you have unwittingly been using the symbols anyway, and it dawned on you through deep tantric meditation that the only true path to take in order to awaken all your kundalinis and cleanse all your chakras so that they are aligned, not only with your own chakras, but also with the chakras of Gaia herself and to awaken the buddha-nature at the root of us all is to continue the glorious forward march of the pure, true and noble Aryan race; to bring forth the shining splendour of the fourth reich and, in so doing, paying the debtors of your karma!
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- Moiret Allegiere, 17.04.2019
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